Meat biscuits

IMG_2351Hello friends, if this doesn’t want to turn you to Paleo nothing will – meat biscuits! Yes, you heard it right.  Biscuits.  With meat in them.  My wonderful colleague decided to make me these biscuits to stop me drooling every time she opened a packet of Tim Tams as a lovely treat.

They are bacon and chocolate biscuits.  Don’t be put off by that slightly greasy sheen and the cadaverous colour they were horrific delicious.

I did eat 2 of them and another game colleague tried one but complained that the bacon was too “flaccid”.  I reckon next time with crispier bacon they’ll be amaze balls.

$1000 Museli

It turns out that supermarket breakfasting options have severe limitations on a Paleo diet – Vegemite toast? Nope. Porridge? Double nope… and don’t even think about approaching the Coco Pops.  You can however have a lovely smoothie, or eggs – lots of eggs.  After 3 weeks of eating eggs I’m very much in danger of becoming “egg bound”, no I have no idea what that means either but my grandad used to assure me I would suffer from it if I ate too many eggs.  He also used to threaten me with “night starvation” so probably indicates how much he knew.

Anyhoo, the eggs definitely needed to go so I needed an alternative and I found it in my local health food store $1000 muesli.  Ok, so I’m exaggerating slightly but at $49 per kilo it’s certainly not cheap!!  I also can’t put milk on it so I forked out another $15 for a tub of coconut yogurt.  Turns out if you want to make a fortune get into the the Paleo food business! Outrageously expensive, completely calorie laden and totally delicious!

IMG_2341

Paleo Ersatz

When I look at the Paleo groceries that are on offer,  I mean the ones that aren’t just , you know actual real food,  they all seem to have something in common.  The thing I’ve noticed is that they all seem to be trying to replace something delicious that you might be able to eat if not in a Paleo straight jacket , think chocolate,  dairy products, cakes and pasta.  I like to think of it as Paleo Ersatz.  Mainly because I just like saying the word Ersatz.

Last week I decided that I would try making Spag Bol the Paleo way.  I conjured up 2 types of pasta.  First I turned several zucchini into a fairly acceptable version of spaghetti with a vegetable mandolin peeler thingy – was a bit soggy, but hey when it’s this good for you who cares right?

IMG_2331

Then, I attempted tagliatelle which were made from sweet potato noodles which I bought in a Paleo cafe.  The instructions took me on quite the adventure, but my favourite was the instruction “According to your taste add some auxiliary food such as meat and condiment of your favourite”.  Auxiliary food!!! How good! Can that be cheese? And if you’re wondering they didn’t taste half bad.

Just add auxiliary food.
Just add auxiliary food.

Mmmm Paleo snack time!

So one thing I’ve discovered about this diet is that my desire to snack mid morning or afternoon is waning, which is a very pleasant surprise.  I think it’s probably something to do with the sating effect of all that protein, but it’s not like I’m doing this in a very scientific way so who knows?  So, when I do get the urge to snack I thought I might try one of these delicious (read – lets cash in on this insane diet craze) pre-made Paleo Bars.  Or should I say LIFE BAR!  (Get a life more like).

The packaging promises so much Cacao & Orange! Fig and Lemon! Banana Bread! And yet delivers so little…they all taste, well…. EXACTLY THE SAME.  Go and have a nice apple instead.

Get a Life Bars.
Get a Life Bars.

Exclusions

So after a week of Paleo-ing it up I’ve discovered what I CAN NOT live without.  There’s a few things I’m pining for like cheese and the occasional square of chocolate but it’s the vices of alcohol and coffee that have me off the wagon.  I consulted the oracle (Google) re. the Paleo community view on whether alcohol is ok – no one could agree.  Some thought cider, others spirits and some thought wine – so I’ve decided to agree with them all and drink the lot – Huzzah!  In other news I had a soy latte – which doesn’t feel quite as cheaty as cows milk would.  After a week without my morning hit of caffeine, drinking coffee was better than watching that bit in Casino Royale where Daniel Craig comes out of the sea in his undies.  True Story.

When does this get gooooood???

Imagine I just said that in a really whiny voice.  So it turns out there is NO CHEESE wtf???? C’mon cave dudes why didn’t you discover rennet or whatever the heck it is that makes ALL OF THE CHEESES!  And not just no cheese, no dairy AT ALL.  This for me means no coffee because I don’t like it without milk.  Melbourne where I live is the coffee culture capital of Australia, we love our coffee here, it’s like a religion.  Soon, people will shun me, they will point and whisper “You know she’s given up COFFEE??”, I will have a big red C EMBLAZONED ON MY CHEST!!! Ok, I could be getting melodramatic now, or it could be caffeine withdrawal hysteria just to add to the misery of the 4  day long crushing headache.  AND ANOTHER THING (this is quite a shouty post isn’t it?)!!!  I can’t stop FARTING!!!  I don’t want to be in the same room as myself and judging by the look on my partners face when he enters a room I’m in, neither does he!!  I blame the Kale.   Finally, and then I’ll take my whiny ass out of here to press my face against the local bakery window.  Look at this picture, soooo sad.  I had to pick out and discard all the chocolate lumps from the ‘healthy snack’ of mixed nuts I bought.  When does this get GOOOOOOODD?????IMG_2299

Day 1 – Fail!

Doesn’t this look nice? But is it Paleo? Errrr…no.  Note to self, if something is marked Gluten Free it doesn’t necessarily mean Paleo friendly.  This was advertised as a GF Thai Chicken salad.  I wasn’t expecting the rice vermicelli noodles which are a tad challenging to extract.  Oh well you live and learn.  Eating out on the whole has been pretty good though.  Most cafe’s seem to have protein and veg options and it’s easy to remove the toast or not eat rice etc. I’m not worrying too much about asking for every ingredient in every splash of sauce.  I don’t have a food allergy and I’d rather not have the chefs spit (or worse…you’ve the read The Help haven’t you??) in my meal.IMG_2298