Imagine I just said that in a really whiny voice. So it turns out there is NO CHEESE wtf???? C’mon cave dudes why didn’t you discover rennet or whatever the heck it is that makes ALL OF THE CHEESES! And not just no cheese, no dairy AT ALL. This for me means no coffee because I don’t like it without milk. Melbourne where I live is the coffee culture capital of Australia, we love our coffee here, it’s like a religion. Soon, people will shun me, they will point and whisper “You know she’s given up COFFEE??”, I will have a big red C EMBLAZONED ON MY CHEST!!! Ok, I could be getting melodramatic now, or it could be caffeine withdrawal hysteria just to add to the misery of the 4 day long crushing headache. AND ANOTHER THING (this is quite a shouty post isn’t it?)!!! I can’t stop FARTING!!! I don’t want to be in the same room as myself and judging by the look on my partners face when he enters a room I’m in, neither does he!! I blame the Kale. Finally, and then I’ll take my whiny ass out of here to press my face against the local bakery window. Look at this picture, soooo sad. I had to pick out and discard all the chocolate lumps from the ‘healthy snack’ of mixed nuts I bought. When does this get GOOOOOOODD?????
Doesn’t this look nice? But is it Paleo? Errrr…no. Note to self, if something is marked Gluten Free it doesn’t necessarily mean Paleo friendly. This was advertised as a GF Thai Chicken salad. I wasn’t expecting the rice vermicelli noodles which are a tad challenging to extract. Oh well you live and learn. Eating out on the whole has been pretty good though. Most cafe’s seem to have protein and veg options and it’s easy to remove the toast or not eat rice etc. I’m not worrying too much about asking for every ingredient in every splash of sauce. I don’t have a food allergy and I’d rather not have the chefs spit (or worse…you’ve the read The Help haven’t you??) in my meal.
Ok, so first cab off the rank is PALEO! Definitely a diet for the zeitgeist, it was the most searched for diet on Google last year and there are over 5000 books that you can buy on Amazon dedicated to the caveman diet. In Australia the poster boy for Paleo is Pete Evans (a celebrity chef), he’s been much ridiculed for publicly expounding the benefits of his diet of ‘activated’ almonds. Ok he might be a bit of a tosser but you have to admit he looks sickeningly healthy all glowing skin and white eyes and teeth. For my Paleo bible I’ve bought his Family Food cookbook which boasts 130 delicious Paleo Recipes. Paleo is a diet based on the premise that we should try and eat food that our caveman ancestors would have eaten because our bodies have not adapted to modern diet introductions such as processed foods, refined sugars, grains and diary. The diet has had it’s fair share of critiscism with nutritionists arguing that we are more adaptive than paleo enthusiasts claim. I’m not sure exactly how paleo peeps got their information that the diet was so healthy given most people died shortly after reproductive age, some would suggest it’s because the diet is essentially b*llocks. Not to be put off by nutritional controversy I start by writing myself a menu for week 1 and head to the shops, you have to admit the food in picture looks pretty appetising I now just have to spend countless hours turning it into delicious meals. It’s not going to be a cheap month I can tell you, a shop minus the fillers of bread/pasta/rice was fairly expensive but surely my glowing skin and boundless energy will be worth it?
They all warned me and I didn’t believe them “Just wait until you hit your thirties and it will start!!”. At first I didn’t notice it but now it’s undeniable that I’m well on my way to becoming spherical. I knew it was time to face facts when my online order of a pair of trousers turned up and to my horror I’d ordered an elasticated waist by mistake – ugh nana pants. Also to my horror, I decided to to keep them after trying them on (Soooo comfy).
Part of the problem is I’m a true disciple of Oscar Wilde – “The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it”. I like beer, wine and pies and pork crackling…oh god the pork crackling!!! The simple adage of “eat less- exercise more” doesn’t seem to be working (perhaps because I’m not actually technically eating less or exercising more). So maybe it’s time to take a look at that skinny smug lot who are evangelising about malt syrup and activated almonds?? I know, they look a little cray-cray but they are THIN, thin I tell you! Not a button hole extender in sight! So, for the next 6 months I’m going to attempt a Zeitgeist diet a month. Will they be actually possible in the realms of real world, will the food be edible and will they actually work??
By the way if you don’t know who Jessie is check out the iconic Fast Show here.